Each year, I choose a word to focus on, to center my goals and clarify my needs at the time. For my first full year of motherhood, I chose nurture and learned how to give myself to others more completely. The year that I was pregnant with Nora, I chose create and truly it was the year of bringing forth a new side of creation for me. In previous years, I chose resource and essential. In my fifth year of this practice, I am choosing the word whole.
Definition via Dictionary.com:
1. comprising the full quantity, amount, extent, number, etc., without diminution or exception; entire, full, or total.
2. containing all the elements properly belonging; complete.
3. undivided; in one piece.
4. Mathematics . integral, or not fractional.
5. not broken, damaged, or impaired; intact.
As I look at where I am in my life, I realize that I am longing for wholeness. For most of my adult life, I have compartmentalized. This is my work life. This is my home life. Over here are my friends, at arm’s distance. In this little space, is my creative life. When I became a mother, I envisioned a moment when it would all come together, where I could integrate all the disparate parties of myself and bring them together and put them into being a mother, wholly. Instead, I often feel torn between my daughter, my work, my husband, my friends, my creative space. I continually choose panaceas (junk food, junk reading, junk free time) rather than mending my brokenness, which only makes me feel more broken as time goes on.
It is painful to feel so fractured.
In 2013, I am choosing to be whole, and that means…
…loving the whole of my self, the broken parts and the intact parts. The pretty parts and the ugly parts. My successes and my failures.
…being as whole of a person as I can for my daughter. She needs to know that mothers can nurture themselves as well as others, that this makes us better at mothering.
…choosing wholeness whenever I can. Finding solutions that build me up from within, rather than instant fixes that make me feel good in the moment. I will choose whole foods, exercise that moves my whole body, and self-care time that replenishes rather than distracts.
…drawing a circle around all of my selves and knowing that wherever and whenever I am, I am always a daughter-mother-wife-writer-educator-body-mind-soul. I am not a body just when I am moving, not an educator during the weekdays.
…forgiving my past and future brokenness because I am not perfect. I am a whole person who makes mistakes and yearns and tries again.
Working towards wholeness will be a hard practice for me, because I am so accustomed to living on the edges of all of my lives. I hope that in this year, I can move towards my center and embrace the whole of my one life, in all of its chaos and glory.